Beat the Whammy
Each morning as I drive to work I have a mission: to drive past certain side streets before something pulls out in front of me, generally a Hellishly Slow Moving Object - HSMO™. Usually it is towing a Hellishly long trailer with a large heavy piece of machinery loosely tethered into it. Then I have to follow it up a steep hill while the loosely tethered equipment bobbles and sways. I use this time to reflect on my life and compose mental messages to my loved ones because I am sure I will be dead in the next 10 minutes. We make it up the hill without chaos and destruction and now I am saved! Not only that, my life now seems infinitely longer because I get to follow behind at 15 mph most of the way to work. (no passing zone) On the (rare) mornings this doesn't happen I call it Beating the Whammy.
But then - about once a week I go to the grocery store during my 30 minute lunch, to pick up salad and SlimFast™ for my so-called lunch. I have 15 minutes to get in and get out. The grocery store is fully staffed by Employees With No Abilities - EWNA™. I presume these are all former employees of telephone companies and the IRS, who got fired for not being annoying enough. No, on second thought the IRS has only ONE employee that finally answers all the phone calls after they are put on hold with recorded messages for several days. This employee's only role is to tell you they don't know how to do THAT. During this period of time spent waiting on hold, your children have grown up and moved away from home.
But I digress.
OK, we have the EWNA's™ here at the grocery store but the place is also crammed full of HSMO's™. These sometimes take the form of large red, wheeled containers that mothers put 1/3 of their children in while the two other thirds have the function of plugging every conceivable gap left in the aisles, so that people trying to buy lettuce and SlimFast™ cannot get through. Well, it IS the land of the free.
I myself live in the Home of the Brave.
Sometimes they have also brought Grandma in a motorized cart. People who drive motorized carts through crowded stores are endowed with God-like powers. They have the right of way, no matter what and you had best take cover or you will get your lettuce flattened.
I want one of those carts.
After fighting your way through the HSMO's™ you arrive at the check out to find - EWNA's™ at the register where you wait, second in line behind the motorized cart that darted in front of you at the last minute. (Because they are God.) These people have usually forgotten the procedure to a.) write a check, or b.) use a credit card, or they want to use three different credit cards. They also sometimes have food stamps, WIC coupons, and a boat load of regular coupons. The EWNA's™, of course, don't know how to do any of that stuff either - and so the process begins.
20 minutes later, and you are at the register! Just as it runs out of tape, and needs to be repapered, which always seems to be difficult.
Well, if you get through the store without running into all this, they invariably get you in the parking lot.
These days I mostly just run to the drug store and buy year-old candy bars - anything so I don't have to go to the grocery store.
But - today I Beat the Whammy. Life is good.
But then - about once a week I go to the grocery store during my 30 minute lunch, to pick up salad and SlimFast™ for my so-called lunch. I have 15 minutes to get in and get out. The grocery store is fully staffed by Employees With No Abilities - EWNA™. I presume these are all former employees of telephone companies and the IRS, who got fired for not being annoying enough. No, on second thought the IRS has only ONE employee that finally answers all the phone calls after they are put on hold with recorded messages for several days. This employee's only role is to tell you they don't know how to do THAT. During this period of time spent waiting on hold, your children have grown up and moved away from home.
But I digress.
OK, we have the EWNA's™ here at the grocery store but the place is also crammed full of HSMO's™. These sometimes take the form of large red, wheeled containers that mothers put 1/3 of their children in while the two other thirds have the function of plugging every conceivable gap left in the aisles, so that people trying to buy lettuce and SlimFast™ cannot get through. Well, it IS the land of the free.
I myself live in the Home of the Brave.
Sometimes they have also brought Grandma in a motorized cart. People who drive motorized carts through crowded stores are endowed with God-like powers. They have the right of way, no matter what and you had best take cover or you will get your lettuce flattened.
I want one of those carts.
After fighting your way through the HSMO's™ you arrive at the check out to find - EWNA's™ at the register where you wait, second in line behind the motorized cart that darted in front of you at the last minute. (Because they are God.) These people have usually forgotten the procedure to a.) write a check, or b.) use a credit card, or they want to use three different credit cards. They also sometimes have food stamps, WIC coupons, and a boat load of regular coupons. The EWNA's™, of course, don't know how to do any of that stuff either - and so the process begins.
20 minutes later, and you are at the register! Just as it runs out of tape, and needs to be repapered, which always seems to be difficult.
Well, if you get through the store without running into all this, they invariably get you in the parking lot.
These days I mostly just run to the drug store and buy year-old candy bars - anything so I don't have to go to the grocery store.
But - today I Beat the Whammy. Life is good.
posted by Sara | 8:42 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home