Recipe for Fruitcake

In the spirit of Christmas, I give you - the Recipe For Fruitcake.
Ingredients:1 cup of water1 tsp baking soda1 cup of sugar1 tsp salt1 cup of brown sugarlemon juice4 large eggsnuts1 bottle Vodka2 cups of dried fruit> > >Sample the vodka to check quality.Take a large bowl,check the vodka again.To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat .Turn on the electric mixer.Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.Add one teaspoon of sugar.Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the vodkais shtill OK.Try another cup .... just in case. Turn off the mixerer.Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of driedfruit.Pick fruit off floor. Mix on the turner.If the fried druit gets stuck in the beatererspry it loose with a drewscriver.Sample the vodka to check for tonsisticity.Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who giveshz a sh*t.Check the vodka.Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table.Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.Greash the oven.Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fallover.Don't forget to beat off the turner.Finally, throw the bowl through the window,finish the vodka andkick the cat. Fall into bed.CHERRY MISTMAS!